Closing Churches The Easy Way


The last great victory of the Infernal Underworld was the shredding of the Body of Christ into thousands of pieces by the Protestant Reformation. The great warfare of the underworld is to keep the Body of Christ splintered. Every demon in hell is expected to master the deceptive arts in order to bring souls into torment. Through a series of mysteriously intercepted Email messages, these deceptive arts have been revealed.  Not since the Screwtape’s instructions to Wormwood were published has such information about the machinations of the underworld and its nefarious schemes been available. The discovery of  the messages reveals modern tactics which are currently in use to keep men and women out of the apostolic faith and keep the Body of Christ fragmented and powerless for as long as possible. 

A lesson on how to advance in the Dark  Underworld – Listen to Infernus!


To: R & P tormenters@

Well, Rumwort, your latest class assignment prior to advancement to Tempter First Degree, along with your colleague in evil, Pisstwiddle, appears to have set in motion a series of events which will not only make you two the envy of demons for centuries to come, but may well set in motion an advancement for our plans to take over and rule the cursed little planet for our glorious Master of the Lowerworld.  I have heard rumor that the two of you may be skipped over Tempter First and be promoted to Tempter Master for this success.

I have to say that I am quite pleased with your efforts, seeing that they shall reflect great glory back upon the name of Infernus, the Master of All Tempters. When you were assigned the rather simple task of closing down one parish and ending the hated Eucharist there, little did I suspect that you would so far and brilliantly go beyond that and get an entire country to stop the awful and hated practice. Access to the Eucharist is the source of eternal life for these dull creatures. Now they can’t even get it when they are dying, which has delighted our Dread Master to no end. The Sacraments are closed off, churches are closed, and the whole thing is a glorious victory for the Lowerworld. The only thing better would be to make this permanent, as much as possible, and in as many countries as possible. Our research department is working on this even now. If played correctly, this might be the opening we have been seeking for world domination and the permanent rule of His Evilness. A most delicious thought indeed!

I would encourage you to produce a textbook for future generations of tempters to study. The brilliance which you have shown in stampeding these mindless sheep into cowering in their houses, unable to do much more than whimper and complain while their government steals them blind, claiming it is acting in their best interest, will surely be a classic. Just be sure you present it to me in order to check for errors.

There was a time when our servants made the most horrible threats of death to our Enemy’s citizens and they were treated as nothing more than vapid twaddle. This was most annoying to us, but technically understandable, since having been baptized into the Enemy, they knew they had escaped our clutches and death would simply usher them into that horrid presence of Light which they so much enjoy and we find tormenting to our very beings. Lions having them for breakfast? Ha! They sang those wretched hymns to the Enemy and their joyful deaths made more converts as  they died with a smile on their lips. Roasting them on an open fire? That smart-ass deacon Lawrence had the nerve to say to his tormentors: “Turn me over. I’m quite done on this side.” Beheading, drowning, hanging, crucifixion…sheeesh, whatever we threw at them, they smiled and praised the Enemy as they died. Not only did we run out of ideas – I mean, after a while, even death ceases to be creative – but the blood of the martyrs was producing way too many converts. The whole thing had to be abandoned for a while as bad practice. The price we were paying in converts to the Enemy’s cause was not worth the enjoyment of watching their blood flow. Now unbelievers watch the Enemy’s children cower in fear over a mere illness and there is nothing in their actions which would convince anyone that the next world exists and death is nothing of which to be afraid. Brilliant stroke, lads!  The Church will not easily live this one down for decades to come. They can say they believe in eternal life, but words are cheap. When you see someone die praising the Enemy, that, my fine young demons, is a true believer. Add that to the sexual scandal created by Polypus and we are anticipating a great feast here for centuries to come. Marvelous! We have made them look like cowards. The world will not forget.

When you do write your textbook, be sure to include the thought process that made you think of unleashing a “deadly virus” on the world and creating complete panic out of thin air. Why this wasn’t tried before with the Swine Flu or other pandemics I don’t know, but perhaps the time wasn’t fertile for mass panic such as we are observing now.  I would say this however: you had the advantage of decades of preparation, especially in that so-called “Christian Nation” called  America, which is about as Christian as a pulled pork sandwich is kosher.

Let’s do a little review (I want to talk about this in imp class on Monday). First off, America was never a Christian nation. Period. So you had a great foundation for our work to begin there. Being a Christian is more than just mouthing off the Enemy’s name and trying to sound oh-so-pious in order to impress your neighbor in the next pew. The very essence of Christianity is acting exactly like the Enemy because you are in union with Him. He joyfully possesses each one of the disgusting mudbugs who surrender their lives to Him. Now ask yourself this question: would our Enemy, as a human being, kidnap and enslave other human beings? Would a truly Christian government for even one second tolerate such actions on its shores? If you want a more thorough list, check out Pflumgrabbit’s History of American Government Atrocities, Volumes One, Two, and Three.  Christian nation my red-hot ass! Some of the things this government did over the two centuries of its existence have had our Dread Master absolutely green with envy.

So as you see, we were not dealing with the real thing. They had no real connection to those dreaded Apostles, no Sacraments, and those who did belong to the Enemy’s true Church were easily secularized. They went to Mass on Sunday and then lived like the rest of the world in pursuit of wealth and pleasure. Therefore, it has been easy to slowly move them toward the tyranny our Master desires.

Secondly, we sent them boatloads of false teachers who have given them the impression over the years that life is about acquisition of things and wealth. To them, having riches is a proof of their right standing with the Enemy. Which is hilarious, really, when you realize that in the accursed Book the Enemy gave them, He taught them just the opposite. Riches are a gateway to the Lowerworld. That’s what He said, and they ignore it. My hell, are they greedy, which greed makes for a most delicious garnish when we feast upon them!

This combination of unregenerate souls, false teaching, and a lack of concern for anything except their earthly lives is called secularization. It  is the exact opposite of transcendence, or a concern for the life that comes after their earthly existence. Secularization is what we want, no matter what country in which we operate. And America is brim full of it right now, which made your work, while a stroke of genius, nonetheless easy to accomplish. You turned loose a virus, took our liars in media and government to fan the flames of panic, and then sat back and watched the fun begin as access to the Eucharist was closed off to them.

The challenge the Dark Legions have before them is to now create secularization in places like Africa, where the Enemy’s citizens are still attending their liturgies, despite our faithful Muslim troops blowing them up and dragging them out of the churches to cut their throats in public. These are serious and dangerous believers, a real threat to us, and we need to put a halt to this now. They would laugh at the idea of stopping Mass for a mere virus.

So, all in all, good job, chaps. Now if you really wise, you will spend your weekend over in the R & D lab working with our research team on this Africa problem, instead of getting snockered on that bottle of Old Clovenhoof I sent you in congratulations. Once we reduce these insects in Africa to a state of  mere intellectual belief, we will have only the dreaded Orthodox Church and a few scattered monasteries, such as Mount Athos and The New Mount Carmel. Then we will move forward to conquer it all when they are finished off.

I shall see you in class on Monday.

Yours for the damnation of human souls,

Master Infernus, Greatest Among Trainers.


P.S.  I want one of you two to take on a special assignment. I saw this post on Facebook by Fr. John Zuhlsdorf and he needs to be quieted – now!  This is a dangerous servant of our Enemy, pointing out what should be obvious to these pests. A voice like this is trouble. Silence him!

One comment

  1. “Not only did we run out of ideas – I mean, after a while, even death ceases to be creative – but the blood of the martyrs was producing way too many converts. The whole thing had to be abandoned for a while as bad practice. The price we were paying in converts to the Enemy’s cause was not worth the enjoyment of watching their blood flow. Now unbelievers watch the Enemy’s children cower in fear over a mere illness and there is nothing in their actions which would convince anyone that the next world exists and death is nothing of which to be afraid.”

    Yeah, exactly. How anything less like belief in the Resurrection be seen than what is going on today? Anything less like the belief that Jesus rose from the dead and in Him we can all live forever? I’ve even seen someone saying all “the saints dreaded death” and it’s only natural for CHRISTIANS to be afraid – suggesting there’s something wrong with Christians who aren’t afraid. Yeah, right. You mentioned Lawrence, but there’s so many more – St. Paul, Ignatius of Antioch, so forth. It really must be Satanic. There’s such a fight to establish that acting and feeling like the Resurrection is Real can only be fake piety or something of the sort. May God have mercy on us and on the whole world!


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